Year 5, cont...
This post continues by "Year 5-Part 1 Journals..."
January 3rd, 2010
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I am trying to figure out how long it will take me to pay off my credit card.  If I pay 200 dollars a month it will take me until August. August? That’s a long time…. My class reimbursement and our step increase on March 1st should help. I really hope we get raises next school year.
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January 5th 2010
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School was good today. Kids were good and productive. I am behind on grading due to the snow day, but, oh well. I will just have to get my grade on for the next two weeks.
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I am not excited about my grad classes starting since then it will get crazy again, and I will have to drop off the face of the planet, but at least it is a productive use of time.
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January 27, 2010
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I can definitely feel the three weeks of teaching Saturday school weighing in on me. I have been time-warped all week. Today felt like it should’ve been Friday.
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I am a little mad at myself for signing up for two graduate classes, although I would have been mad at myself for singing up for one class every time I looked at my bank account. I don’t really want to finish this masters program anymore, but I will because I am already halfway there. My problem with it is not the school itself, but the time it takes. How am I supposed to be a teacher, in a family, and me, while also taking classes, etc............?
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January 31, 2010
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Tomorrow I start my commute to work. [We used to walk to work but the only house we could afford was 45 minutes from our job, so we started commuting.]
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February 1, 2010
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I am feeling teacher burnout. On my way to work this morning I just felt blaaaahhhh….but it did take me 40 minutes to get to work today, and I felt that I would rather trade my job in than move again. I am young. Now would be the time to switch jobs if I wanted to. But I also just feel tired, very tired, and I know I am not thinking clearly.
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My kids have to do more writing. More writing. They haven’t done a sufficient amount in my mind.
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Later…
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I feel better. I ate lunch with people. I made myself since people usually make me feel better. My classes on block 1 days are amazing. I don’t know what I would do or how I would feel without them. Sometimes teachers need the students-not the other way around.
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Anyway. Is it time for a career change? I am hoping I feel this way because I have too much on my plate right now. I just want to go home instead of running around like a crazy person every day.
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February 3, 2010
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We had a snow day today-hallelujah. I am glad that I got to miss my afternoon meeting and that I only had to go to my graduate class.
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February 16, 2010
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My commute is awful. Today is took me somewhere between 50-55 minutes to get from door-to-door. I can’t do this. Maybe I should be a librarian.
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February 10, 2010
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My grad classes are stressful. My goal is to NEVER EVER take more than 1 class at a time ever again.
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February 16, 2010
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Today was a good day at work but most are after a few snow days. I wish I could feel like this all the time at school.
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I dread grad school; it’s just too much.
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February 17, 2010
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Maybe I’ll become a software developer. I never get teaching right. I always feel discouraged.
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February 22, 2010
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Did you know that I live in a world where kids get beat by their parents? A student came to school today with half of his face black and blue. I felt so overwhelmed and so sad for him.
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March 10, 2010
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I am really not enjoying the grad classes I am in. What bothers me the most is the time wasted. To me, it all comes down to how you spend your minutes. I like being a teacher. My days feel useful. But at the end of the day, I need some fresh air.
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I do not know if I want to finish the program.
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March 13, 2010
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Grad class is really frustrating for me because I am bored and a lot (but not all) of this stuff I have learned already. Some of it I haven’t, but by the time that stuff comes up, I am bored and distracted.
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After my daily post-grad class cry and freak out, I calm down a little. I am always stressed about money. I am so angry and frustrated about my role in my own life. I feel like a zombie: someone who looks on while this mindless robot does things she hates to try and pay her bills. I hate this person who does not own her own life. For the last year and a half I have been taking classes and doing stupid things like coaching in order to pay the bills. My debt controls me. It stresses me to no end. As some point I need to deal with it and face it head on. I work on Saturdays and I’m taking classes, so I am doing a lot, but I am going to get a dinky raise in June for all of my grad class work and then not another until 2011. Damn it alllllllllllllll. It will be a year and a half after my June raise until we get another.
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March 14, 2010
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I have 140 dollars to live on until March 29. It should be okay because I only need gas for my car. We have a lot of food. I am hoping it will be enough until the 27th.
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I sleep on an air mattress.
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I am a bad friend to the friends I have left. Grad school keeps me busy and broke. I can’t wait until my classes are over. I want my friends back.
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I don’t want to work Saturday school until next November. I actually like Saturday school, but I think I’ll go a little crazy when the sun comes out.
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March 24, 2010
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In general I am starting to see that there’s so much out there for me to learn and that having to attend class one night a week may not be the worst thing for me. I need to start thinking about my next degree because now that I’ve started, there’s no way in hell I am stopping because I don’t think I could convince myself to start again after taking a break.
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March 25, 2010
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Today I had to drag myself through work and I can’t believe I have another day tomorrow.
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As for my masters, I am going to finish this program and then keep on going with another. I have to. If I stop I will never take classes again because it’s hard to do all this… but I have to because I feel I deserve to get paid well for the work that I do. I like being a teacher. I like the feeling that every day I put my hands in the dirt and build something.
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Sometimes teaching really sucks and I get a headache, but sometimes it doesn’t.
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April 4, 2010
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Had a great week off. I finally feel like I can go back to the real world and do what I need to do: finish grad school.
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April 7, 2010
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A few more weeks of classes. Sigh. School is always on my mind. This week was hard but at least it is the tail end of my grad class flurry.
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Should I pursue a doctorate?
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April 19, 2010
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I need a life. I have been working my ass off this year. I hit a wall last Saturday. Slam. I haven’t been able to start my engine since. I haven’t done anything this whole year except go to work, come home, do school work, go to grad school, work on the house, and then work Saturday school. I kept strong for a while but now I am done. I just want to finish out my school year strong, catch up with my grading, and really help some kids.
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April 21, 2010
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Grad classes over the school year=bad.
Grad classes over the summer=good.
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April 23, 2010
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Sick of grad school.
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May 9, 2010
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Life is chaotic but good. The house is a ton of work. Grad school is a ton of work. I am working summer school this summer because I think if I ever want to travel, we’re going to have to finish fixing up the house, and that costs money. So. Summer school.
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May 19, 2010
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We are free writing in class today. When I asked the kids what they would write about if they could write anything, a lot of them didn’t know. It’s even a struggle for me to pick an idea, and that’s what I think is wrong with our brains these days…no ingenuity. I think free writing can remedy these sorts of issues.
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May 20, 2010
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Right now I regret signing up for summer school.
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May 21, 2010
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We’re free writing in my 1st period today I asked the kids to write about a place where they like to be alone, and it was funny because some kids always said they didn’t like being alone. I like being most anywhere by myself. It’s just a matter of getting that time.
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June 24, 2010
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Almost last day of school. I definitely did 100% better than last year, but I am still not doing my best.
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July 17, 2010 (Summer school)
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Summer school is more work than I anticipated. I am applying a lot of what I have been learning in my grad school classes.
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July 26, 2010 (Summer school)
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I don’t understand why I work my ass off to live in a scary house, on the highway, behind a seedy hotel, but I GUESS it’s because, eventually, I DON’T WANT TO LIVE HERE. Really, though, unless we win the lottery, we can’t afford a house with a yard any closer to work AND I AM NOT MOVING ONE MORE INCH AWAY FROM SCHOOL.
This is the end of my "Year 5-Part 2 Journal Entries." Journals are continued here: "Year 6"

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